Of Firetrucks and Stocking Stuffers

I left home for work today at eight thirty in the morning. I had six hours of class at the high school, three in the morning and three after lunch. When I finished I went and picked up my daughter from school and then took her home. I had supper at home with my family. And then I had to leave for work again.

A package arrived from Canada today. It was a box of Christmas presents, one each for my wife and me but mostly for our children. My son and my daughter each opened one; my daughter got a baseball glove, my son a Lego fire truck set. My boy being the way he is opened it up right away and started working on it. He wanted me to help him, he asked me to help him. I told him I couldn't; I had to leave for work. He asked why I had to go to work. I didn't -- I don't -- have a good answer.

During class this morning somebody mentioned something about receiving gifts from Santa Claus. At that time I suddenly realised that my wife and I had forgotten to get stocking stuffers for the kids. So tonight after I finished class I went to the store to get some gifts for the kids from Santa.

I shouldn't be going to the store, I shouldn't be doing the Christmas shopping. That's not because I think my wife should be doing all the shopping, it's because I'm terrible at shopping. I never know what to buy anybody. But somebody has to do it and it has to be done tonight. My wife doesn't have a chance to do it, so it has to be me. And so, because I had to go shopping when I finshed work, it was almost ten thirty when I got home.

I leave home for work at eight thirty in the morning. I'm home for a quick supper in the evening and then I don't get home again until almost ten thirty at night. That's fine; I can accept that. I might not like it, but I can accept it. That's my responsibility. That's my job, that's my work, and my family depends on me to make money. That's life.

But what I don't understand is why I can't be at home to be with my family at night. What I really don't like is why I can't be there with my boy to help with something. Why?

I feel so bad. I feel like I’m letting them down. I just want to be there with my children; I just want to be there to help them. I’ve gone to work all day, why can't I stay home with my family at night?

Can anybody tell me why?

Children or Cycling

This morning over breakfast I asked my wife about what was going on this Sunday. I knew she had something to do, and I wanted to see when she would be leaving how long she would be gone, and whether or not the kids were going with her.

"Are you going biking this Sunday?" she asks me; "I don't know," I answer, "if they're going with you, then I will but if they're staying here with me, then I can't."

That's one of the adorable things about my wife. Even though it's been almost seven years since we became parents, she still doesn't quite understand one simple thing.

Yes, I do want to ride my bike as much as I can. Yes, I do wonder about when I can next get on my bike. Yes, I do spend a lot of my down time — such as when I'm going somewhere on the scooter or driving the car and can't really do anything else other than think about something — contemplating whether or not I can get out on the weekend or on this or that day and if I can, how much time do I have and where I can go. But I am also thinking that I can only go out if it's okay with her and I don't have to look after children.

The way I look at it is this way. If she is okay with looking after them by herself or if she is taking them somewhere, then I can go for a bike ride. I do not think Well, I want to go for a bike ride, so she will have to take care of the kids. Looking after and being with my children comes first.

Last Saturday I came home from work shortly after five in the evening. My wife wasn't feeling well; when I got home there was a message on my phone from her asking if I could take the kids out for supper. She was already asleep in bed and she stayed that way all night. There was a nice group ride the next morning that I had been planning on doing and been anticipating for a long time. So Sunday morning I woke up early hoping to go on that ride. I had my cycling kit all ready to go. When I got up my wife was already awake. I guess she slept enough the day before. Knowing she hadn't been feeling well the day before, I asked her if I could go or if I should stay home. She told me I should stay home. So I did, even though I really wanted to go on that ride.

And still my wife doesn't understand that no matter how much I want to ride my bike, my family always comes first.